Your voice will be heard

So i havent been on this thing in forever, so time to vent.

FUCK PEOPLE!

Im always wondering why things happen the way they do and what i did. But honestly fuck that. I’v come to the conclusion that its not my fault, EVER. I’m always the one that people like to play games with. I’m so fet up with it, its pathetic. I’m done with people toiling with my emotions. I swear if someone fucks with my head one more time, im gonna fuckin stop giving a fuck and begin having fun myself. Fuck everyone else, why should i care if no one else does?

I had a really good day. I sat around with boy and just talked for hours, legit from like 3:30 till like 7:30. I havent been able to keep a conversation up for that long in awhile. Sometimes i feel like my life is going no where,and yesterday made me realize that im still young and im supose to be dumb, but im still not satisfied. But thats all going to change. Im going to change. So i’v decided im dont sitting on my ass and doing nothin, im going to try to get a job, meet new people, be more active and figure out my shit. Thanks to boy, he made me realize alot. so thank you :)

the choices youv made, and the mistakes your making, have influenced our relationship, i tired of fighting for our bond, im done. I dont want part in your confused little world, you chose him over me, and im okay with that. I dont want anythin to do with you. If i see you i will attack you. You try threatning my best friend one more time, it will be your last. i will burn his house down and make sure your life is ruined, dont fuck with, you underestimate me. so how about go fuck your self, your a selfish, immature bitch, who is going no where in life and your goin to be a loser. your going to have no one. your a loser, you have no real friends, the only people you associate with , is whoever’s in that house. so again go fuck yourself. you did this, not me. so goodbye.

the warmth, the summer heat, the late night walks,being able to stay out till 8 and still have the sun out, the freedom.

I never ment to hurt you, it was merly just a joke. i feel bad about the situation but i also feel it was needed. You need a wake up call, and hopefully that was one. i just want you to know, your my family and i love you, i’d die for you. It was a joke that started off just seeing what your reaction was, it was never supose to escalate to the point of you and jess gettin into a fight. Im on your side to a point, like i understand why your mad, but it really was a joke and it shouldnt of gotten to that point. I do think jess took it way to far, like i understand where your coming from. but i think that this needed to happen. I need you to understand that it really kills me that you still continue to go to andres house and still associate with him. You guys are BROKEN up, so stop dealing with him. Like you going to Ecuador, why would you go there, with him, its complete bull, yea i understand that jackie and andrea are like your family but theyr not and you need to understand that you cant be close with them like that, and you cant continue to go to their house. It just doesnt work out like that when you break up with someone. You deserve so much more, and your hole entire family knows this too. Also, i dont think you understand how much you upset me today when you wanted to go there. You completely invite yourself to hang out with me and jess and then we didnt even get to chill because we went shoppin and then u wanted to go to leach street, do you know how that makes me feel, USED, would be the word. Its like you only hang out with me when andres isnt around and no one in that house is around. I was there for you when you first found out he cheated, and i will always be there for you but if you continue with this behavior i honestly dont want to deal with it, because i shouldnt have to feel second and used. and you make not realize it but thats how it is. It hurts and you see how jess and me did that to you, yea well thats how i feel everytime you leave me to go see your boyfriend who isnt even worth the time of day because he doesnt give a shit about you. Cheating once is enough, maybe he was confused and realized he wanted to be with you, okay you forgive him, but twice fuck that shit, hes not confused hes just horny, you even said, you guys are on break but he still wants to fuck you, that shits fucked, hes straight up using you, because he doesnt have anything else and your convienent and knows that you love him. I kno it hurts but you just got to be done with everyone in that house, if you wanna see joe or andrea have them come to your house and go walk somewhere, dont go to the house, its as simple as that. i love you and dont want to see your ruin your life over some guy that treats you like a piece of meat. its not worth it. again im sorry for what happend but hopefully its a wake up call, because eventually if u continue to let andres controll you, no one will be there when he finally is done with you. and i mean it, no one, because everyone saw it coming and theres gonna be no remorse. again i love you and im sorry.

It was a saturday night, January 16th,2010

The hole night was going well; (that’s a first), we were all sitting around the table,playing cards, i started to get pains in my stomach, then i suddenly started to get the spins, and rush of heat came over my body, i placed my head on the table, and woke up to everyone standing around me.

i just had a seizure.

appearently; my face went green,my lips went pale,my eyes went whacko,my jaw was jerkin,my body went stiff and my right leg was shaking.

yea talk about freakky. it only lasted about 10-15 secs after everyone realized what was happeing.

i was scared,yes ill admit it. it was the craziest trip ever.

Honestly, i wish i could follow that statement, but i cant. I present myself as a strong person, and try not to let things bother me. I bottle things up and let it build up till i cant hold anything inside anymore, and then i burst. Emotions pouring out of me and having everything crashing down on me like the waves in the ocean. Im very fragile, little things can break me down. I may not show it, but it eats me alive from the inside out. It’s a horrible feeling and i hate it.

Also, iv realized that almost everyone i know, i can barely trust. Ive been lied to and hurt before, so when ever someone screws me over i build up a wall and when i do that i tend to push people away. I want to learn to not do that. But iv also learned that everyone is gonna screw you over at one point but you gotta learn who to keep, but in all actuality, why would hold on to someone who hurt you in the first place, let go and move on, because in the end you’re still going to have that thought and anger in the back of your mind and its still going to bug the shit out of, no matter how long you’v let it go for.

I know its the mature thing to do is to let things go and dont let things bother you but for me, id rather get some revenge.

Iv been so acting like a complete bipolar bitch. My moods keep switching so quickly and my head isnt handling it well. At moments ill be content,then ill get pissed off, then ill want to cry,and then i start laughing and be fine again. gahh, im fuckin so emotionally unstable right now.

but anyway…

i hate people, they really know how to push me almost to my limit. im about to snap. i hate having people think they can walk all over me. not gonna happen, sorry. People need to learn to be fuckin real and man up when they’v done somethin wrong. and i know no one likes to be fuckin lied to. like iv come to realize people thrive off fuckin drama. like seriously, i know so many people who say they hate drama and dont want to be in the middle but then they’ll sit there and be the one of the first bitches to fuckin open their mouths. seriously shut the fuck up you dumb cunt. your fuckin retarded and caused unneeded drama.  the truth always comes eventually, so stop fuckin opening your mouth, you say you dont wanna be in the middle, you fuckin put yourself there. okayyy so talk about being real, go out and actually do something with your life instead of running your mouth.